On Tuesday I hit 32 weeks pregnant, and I have put on…27lb! Jeez Louise! That’s only 1lb shy of two stone! To put it into perspective, baby S is currently around 3lb!!! With 8 weeks left to go until due date, and with the baby bulking up I reckon I’m on course for 2.5 stone, if not more given the appetite I currently have.
Whilst I haven’t particularly found it difficult mentally putting the weight on, as I have a complete understanding that it is necessary for babies health and well-being, I do have something of a weird relationship normally with food.
Before getting pregnant I went through phases of being somewhat obsessive about my weight, ensuring that I wasn’t going over a certain amount of calories in/out a day, and if I did, I made sure the next day I cut right back to make up for it. I genuinely don’t believe I ever had an eating disorder, but I do believe that I was on the cusp sometimes, and I can totally understand how they can completely take hold of people.
On the run up to my wedding for example (nearly 6 years ago now- blimey!), I decided to lose some additional weight by going on the Cambridge diet. This consisted of a milkshake for breakfast, a soup for lunch, potentially a snack bar in the day dependent on if I was struggling, and a ‘healthy dinner’. For me at the time healthy = low calorie, so I would eat the bare minimum. I would also treadmill in the morning and evening, and go for a long walk every lunchtime. I reckon I was consuming around 600 calories a day! And of course, the weight came off. I would check every single morning, and be angry with myself if I stayed the same or gained a pound. Now, as I write this, I do sound like someone that had an eating disorder, but I can say that once the wedding was over the obsession was over. (When you’re spending two weeks all inclusive in the Maldives, you don’t watch what you’re eating and drinking anymore!)
My better half Jon had never told me he was concerned about me regarding my weight. And that is probably another reason why I was never concerned either. I saw it as self discipline to keep my weight in check, and he never said a word.
This changed around a year ago. As I have mentioned before, we took a while to get pregnant. I lived very much in denial, and Jon did too for a while. However one month when we got the inevitable negative test result, Jon uttered the words, ‘Do you think it might be something to do with your eating habits?’
I had never been so hurt. Suddenly this problem we were going through together became my fault. I wasn’t even eating badly or in an obsessive phase. I burst into tears, my biggest fear that this was all my fault suddenly verbalised by the person I trust the most in the world.
He of course meant no malice by it, he was desperate for us to get pregnant and the fear/upset he felt came out in this question without thorough consideration as to how that would impact on me.
For the first time though it did prompt a proper conversation, not just about food, but about our problems conceiving. And, as I said, whilst I wasn’t dieting at the time anyway, I did consciously eat more in a conscious effort to eliminate that factor from the equation.
For this reason, (and the fact we went on two summer holidays), I was already a good half a stone heavier than my normal ‘happy’ weight when we did fall pregnant. Who knows if this contributed to our success…
I put very little weight on in the first trimester, probably because I couldn’t find anything I wanted to eat without feeling bloody nauseous. In the second trimester I put on the bulk of the weight, and now I’m in the third I am eating like there is no tomorrow.
I’m not going to lie, some days when I put something on and it’s too tight or uncomfortable, I do get upset. The bump is one thing, but the legs and backside are another!! (On Friday I had to bite the bullet and cut off my wedding ring as my fingers had got too swollen- oh the joys!) And as a previous lover of clothes, almost on the verge of being a problem as I bought too many, I do miss the feeling of buying a new outfit and feeling good about myself. I still torture myself now, adding to my Asos wish list for the summer, despite the fact I know the weight won’t shift overnight.
The health and well-being of our daughter is paramount, it goes without saying. The weight issue is a temporary blip which is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, that I feel a little daft even writing these feelings down. I do so only in the efforts of being up front and honest about the good and bad of pregnancy! I wouldn’t change any of this for the world!